MODERN-DAY MOTHERHOOD: Damned if you Do. Damned if you Don’t.

It’s been a rough few weeks of motherhood for me.

Battles with my fast-growing, strong-willed daughter have become a daily occurrence. I wake up every morning determined to not shout at her today. But one too many times of me telling her to just eat her damn food without talking (it’s already been 30 minutes for just 2 slices of toast!) and I can literally see my resolution slipping.

I’m trying very hard to take a step back and not be the toxic mother that I fear I’m becoming. However, she’s still young enough to declare at the end of the day that I’m the ‘best mommy in the world’ and give me a hug – except I’m painfully aware that she will outgrow this phase soon enough. Soon enough she will start hating me.

The worst part – it is bound to happen no matter what I do.

As if I needed more proof for this, I happened to watch the Hindi movie ‘Shakuntala Devi’. Along with being a biographical film about the mathematical genius “Human Computer” of India, Shakuntala Devi, it was also a mother-daughter tale brought to life by Vidya Balan and Sanya Malhotra.

Before I venture further into my midnight ramblings, I want to clarify that apart from the public persona of Shakuntala Devi that I saw in the news and television in my childhood, I have no knowledge of her personal life. The movie, though it is ‘based on her true story’, is obviously in pure Bollywood style dramatized and altered for the cinematic experience. So, other than her mathematical achievements portrayed in the movie, I don’t know which personal aspects of her life shown in the movie are true and which are fabricated for dramatic effect. That being said, looking at it from purely unbiased eyes as just another film and not about a famous celebrity, the mother-daughter dynamics showcased in it really got me thinking.

Basically, from my observations in real life and the reel life story in the movie, whatever a woman does as a mother, she is damned.

You are damned if you are a working mom, and you are damned if you are a stay-at-home-mom.

You are damned if you are a mother who can’t stand up for yourself in front of your husband/family, and you are damned if you are a mother who stands up for her rights and fights her husband or the world or sometimes both for it.

You are damned if you are a free spirit, and you are damned if you are a wallflower.

You are damned if you are sending your child(ren) to in-person school during this pandemic (Oh what if they get exposed and get sick? Are you so incapable of taking care of your own children at home? Etc etc) and you are damned if you are keeping them home for virtual schooling (Oh but what about their socio-emotional health? What if they fall behind in academics? Etc etc).

You are damned if your children are playing outside with their friends (are you not concerned about social distancing?) and you are damned if you keep them home to themselves (they need to interact with their friends…don’t you know how important it is for their mental health? You need to lighten up a little about this pandemic!).

You are damned if you are a strict mom (you are ruining the child’s sense of creativity or freedom) and you are damned if you are a lenient one (how can you be so careless? They will turn out to be spoilt brats!).

As a mother, no matter what you do, you are judged. Times may have changed some from Shakuntala Devi’s lifetime to now, but mothering is still an open topic for condemnation. There are still fingers pointed, sarcasm thrown and acid aunties trying to bring you down.

And again, the movie reiterates what I fear the most – the worst part – when the judgement happens by your own children.

According to the movie, Shakuntala Devi hated her mother for not standing up against her father. Fast forward a couple decades and Shakuntala’s daughter hated her mother for being the globe-trotting public figure because she felt her childhood suffered because of it and she always lived in her mom’s shadow. Of course, being a Bollywood movie the mother and daughter reconcile in Shakuntala’s old age and all ends well…but in real life the number of years wasted with anger, hate, resentment and judgement cannot be brought back.

It is understandable, children when young and unburdened by the world, are not mature enough to see beyond their mother’s imperfections. They don’t grasp the nitty-gritty’s and the stories/reasons behind whatever it is they think their mother did wrong. Because they see only the “mother” – they don’t see the “woman” under that persona. They see the mother who missed their school recital because of a meeting. They don’t see the woman who has put years of studying and working hard to be in the position that she is today and how important the meeting was for her job. As rightly said in the movie, it’s only when they have children of their own that they realize the value of their own mother.

I, myself, have been guilty of throwing judgement at my mother. And I, myself, see the cycle repeating with my own daughter. I wish I could change what I did or how I felt with respect to my mom, when I was younger – I can’t. But, I can assure you that now no one is more proud of my mom than I am. I’m her biggest cheerleader now and I will stand by her through whatever till the end of time. I hope she knows it. I’m sorry ma for the hard time I gave you…thank you for staying sane…I love you!

I wish my daughter has better sense than me but I highly doubt it, as she’s after all a child. It’s karma, like any other thing. What goes around comes around. She will feel what I feel now, when she has kids of her own and realizes that whatever I do or don’t do; she is and will be always my number one. However, for now, in this moment, she will see my imperfections and I just have to deal with it.  And hope that in a few years when she’s older she will be my biggest cheerleader, as I will always be hers.

My mom, my daughter and I (hopefully, fingers crossed) are among the lucky ones. But, what about those who run out of time before they reach the point of realization? What about those who don’t have as supportive family as my dad or my husband to get them through it? What about those where the bridges are burnt so bad, that there is no going back? I shudder to think of it. As seen in the movie, Vidya Balan’s Shakuntala Devi goes back to her maiden home years after her mother passes away. Ages after not even having spoken to her mother before she died. What about real life women like them? I pray no one should have to suffer such a fate.

I hope families remember that a mother is not just a mother, but a woman with her own dreams and feelings. I hope people see a woman in her entirety and not just a person to bear and care for the child. To be clear, I’m not saying mothers should forego their responsibilities. All I am saying is it’s ok to be more than a mother. It’s ok to have an identity in addition to being a mom and still be the best mother you can be. It’s acceptable to achieve your ambitions while being a mother.

I hope the world is a little more supportive and a little less judgemental.

Admittedly, I’m not trying to preach or claiming I’m innocent – I am guilty of damning other moms who have done things differently than me. I am guilty of gossiping about them. I am guilty of judging. I apologize profusely and I’m striving to change that. I accept my flaws, and I resolve to amend my mistakes. I promise to teach my daughter better so that she becomes a woman who uplifts and supports other women. I hope my friends know that I offer a no-judgement safe space for them. I maybe imperfect but I will be damned if I don’t work on being a better woman, a better mother and a better girlfriend to my fellow moms…because I know my daughter is watching and learning from me.

If you have come this far, thank you for sticking through my heartfelt, wordy out pour.

https://www.instagram.com/justmythoughts.art/

https://www.facebook.com/Just-My-Thoughts-and-My-Art-104699507937132/